my stupid thoughts don't read.
you'll get bored.

he wasn’t saying anything. i am dying to ask him about that little incident over lunch but i couldn’t find the right words to say. i still couldn’t put the pieces together, or maybe i just don’t want to. he’s been such a good friend and i never saw a hint that he could like someone, and by someone, i mean me. could it be possible? i tried to brush off the idea and decided to clear the air.

me: i really like the grilled salmon. you know, i never eat fish, but your mom did a splendid job!

him: yeah i know. you don’t like fish. that’s why i asked you to eat lunch with me. i was hoping you’ll change your mind and like me..i mean the fish.

me: oh i see. uhm. yeah, hehe.

fuck. slip of the tongue? maybe. of course i like him! who wouldn’t? he’s the most gorgeous guy at work and there’s nothing in him a guy like me wouldn’t like. but he’s my friend and he’s not interested with guys. and besides, he does not know about my preference. he wouldn’t risk, or would he? i wouldn’t risk.

we arrived at the coffee shop earlier than expected. i called my bother and he told me he’s stuck somewhere far. before i could even hang up the phone, my friend already got me my favorite drink and settled himself to that one specific spot i wished never existed.

three years. same guy. same spot. same smile.

he waved at me. i dragged myself near him, told him about the phone call and sat right across him. he pushed the cup towards me and we began a series of sip and turn.

him: can you still remember this place? three years ago?

me: yeah. i actually dreaded this spot for quite some time. i tripped, i fell and spilled my frappe all over you. good thing the blueberry cheesecake fell on the table. hehe. sigh. i made a total fool of myself that day. 

him: oh that too. well, it’s been three years. as a matter of fact, it’s been three years today. same spot. same time. and look at my shirt, the same exact shirt i wore three years ago!

me: whohoah! this is so cool! such a crazy coincidence. hahaha!

him: nah. never coincidence. i think today happened because it should happen. it must happen.

me: oh man, that’s deep. by the way, what should happen today? did i miss anything?

he didn’t answer. he just smiled at me and took another sip.

one of my guy friends invited me over for lunch. he’s this really tough but good looking guy, tall, dark and every girl’s dream mantoy.  he said his mom will cook for us and he wanted me to taste his mom’s specialty. i said yes. he’s a good guy and we’ve been friends for quite some time. so we arrived at their house a few minutes before twelve and his mom was setting up the table for us. i noticed, there were only three plates being set on the table. i thought all the while that there will be more of his friends coming over for lunch. 

his mom hurriedly came to greet us, gave me one tight hug, took my hand and pulled me to the dining area. it was as if i’ve known her all my life and that she was too excited to see me again after quite some time. i’ve seen that face already; i am so sure i’ve seen that way his mom looked at me. i just couldn’t remember when and why.

it was such a glorious lunch. surprisingly, there was never an awkward moment. it was as if i am part of that family. it was half past three when we left the table. i helped with the dishes and brought them to the kitchen while my friend went to his room to get something. i was smiling the whole time while telling her how much i really enjoyed the food. she told me to come back and she’ll cook for me again. then she looked at me and said, ‘am glad my son finally found you.’ i didn’t know what to do. i was trying to figure out what she meant by that. i smiled and thanked her for the lunch.

i sat on the couch waiting for my friend. he was talking to his mom. i could barely hear what they were talking about; i only caught a few words. so i decided to just patiently sit there and wait, still trying to figure out what my friend’s mom meant by what she said. my friend is such a good guy, very thoughtful and gentle and sweet and generous and girls are just drooling over him. girls. it was that moment that i realized that amongst all the gorgeous girls around him, he never looked at any of them. maybe he’s not yet ready for a relationship. but what could be the reason? maybe he hasn’t found the right one. girls. he never mentioned anyone to me: ex girlfriends, potential girlfriends. maybe he’s trying to keep that part private.

after a few minutes, he finally joined me in the receiving room. his mom followed him and sat with me in there. we were supposed to stay longer when my phone rang. my brother called me and reminded me of our night out. he offered that he’ll drive me to where i will go and his mom insisted. i gave her a hug and before i turned to the door, i finally remembered the moment when i saw that face. it was when i brought home my first girlfriend and introduced her to my mom. then my heart began to pound my chest so hard…

i seriously look like a freakin zombie now. eyebags. skin break out. sunken droopy eyes. messed up hair that i can’t actually fix. yes, i haven’t had good sleep for almost two weeks now. it would have been bearable if it were because of school or work or parties.  this fucking misery is caused by something bigger than these reasons. my sister got married and she’ll be moving out of the house real soon. i honestly can’t stand the thought and every time i think about it, my tummy churns, brain feels like it’s about to explode and my heard wouldn’t stop drummin like shit.

she has always been my princess, my bestfriend. we were inseparable. but it took only 5 hours for that to change. now she is someone’s queen, someone’s greatfriend. and worst, she has to go…away.

i can’t sleep everytime i think about it. maybe, i’d be able to accept the fact that we’ll not be always together. but for now, i’d wallow and maybe cry. i’ll get over it.

i seriously don’t feel like being nice today. actually, the past few days have been really crazy that being nice was never an option. today is not an exemption. life’s been such a nasty bitch lately and all i can do is force myself to function and be productive even though i’d rather stay in my room-windows shut, curtains drawn and doors locked. i guess i must have lost the drive to battle it out with the usual daily encumbrances. i must admit, there were a couple of instances when i totally forgot about the reality and puked my guts out because of pure awesome fun. but they don’t last long. i always end up dragging my butt to the next day, minus the fun moment’s hang over.

i am not usually like this. it just so happened that the one person i so truly love the most will leave our house pretty soon and it will never be the same again. she’s leaving me and there’s nothing in this darn world i could give or do to stop that from happening. (one big sigh). the worst part is, time ticks real fast as the her big day approaches. yes, she’s getting married and i’ve been crying my effing eyes out every night.

i’ll get over it. i’ll find a way to move on. she’ll have her new life and i’ll just watch her, celebrate with her, love her from afar. the only consolation i have is the fact that whatever happens, family remains.

been out lately. i realized that i’ve been missing on a lot of things, mostly crap though. so i decided to spend time with people i don’t know and places i’ve never actually been. true enough, the seemingly wasteland offers more than waste; there’s adventure and fun and a whole lot of opportunities to be a jerk, in my case a total jerk.

they say we are greatly influenced by our context. i’d have to agree with whoever quoted that. but then, we cannot blame it all on context. our miserable choices also contribute to our douchebaggery. we blame our parents and friends and environment for all the shitty stuff we encounter. but we never dare look at our choices, at the options we made. maybe it’s because we’re too afraid that the blame is really on us; too afraid to handle the reality that we can really be our own monsters.

been out lately. the truth is, am not missing on anything, especially if anything means all the crap wasteland has to offer. fun is what you make out of the situation, adventure is choosing to break away from norm but not stepping out of the boundaries. being a jerk is totally a choice.

never mind.

i guess that’s just how things are,

how things have always been, always will be.

you go on your way, and i’ll try to reroute.

i guess that’s just how things ought to be.

so go ahead and take your bow.

i ain’t clapping, ain’t standing, ain’t smiling.

and when the curtain closes,

go away and f*ck yourself.

i guess that’s just who you are,

who you were, have been

and will ever be.

love lots, mico.